Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Cure Eavesdropping: Buy My Ears

If my ears were for sale at amazon.com the product description would sound something like this:

Cosmetically, these 1.5-inch long ears have a clean and classic look. This model is known for its five-star capacity to hang dangly earrings from. The earlobes can sustain earrings up to two carats in weight, and diamonds seem to fit best.

The 5-star customer reviews would sound something like this:

I'm a sixteen-year-old girl, and I absolutely love this model! I would recommend it to anyone who wants to get out of doing chores..."You told me to do the dishes before I went to bed? I'm so sorry, Mom, I didn't hear you!" Another feature that I love is the in-ear isolation design that blocks background noise, so I don't have to listen to my baby brothers get into "I know you are but what am I?" nonsense. These ears are any girls dream! Get some today!

And the more accurate 1-star customer reviews would sound a bit like this:

While these ears look nice enough from the outside, the quality is very poor. I find myself constantly saying, "What?" And because I get tired of asking for people to repeat themselves, I also find myself faking like I can hear, and that backfires all too often--like the time my boyfriend said, "Look at that BMW" when I thought he said, "I think I love you." And I wholeheartedly responded, "I love you, too." Boy did I ever want to shrivel up and die when I realized what he'd actually said.

Somehow I eventually did manage to actually hear the line, "Will you marry me?" and while my hubby and I are happily married, he's tired of turning up the volume and wants to upgrade or invest in some top-of-the-line hearing aids no matter what the cost. I suggested I school myself in the art of lip-reading (for free), but it bugs him when my eyes are glued intently on his lips isntead of his eyes. (You'd think he'd like that.)

So, rather than save up for an exotic vacay, we're putting our extra pennies aside to buy digital hearing aids. Boys and their electronics-- ugh! All I can say is that if you want ease of communication in your relationships, steer clear of these ears!

Okay, okay, my ears aren't quite that bad. But I do wish I could put my ears up for sale and get a new model because, while there are worse things in life, my poor hearing has caused me a certain degree of frustration growing up, and I haven't even mentioned yet that I'm incapable of eavesdropping!

So parents, if you'd like to purchase these ears for your kiddos, to stop the eavesdropping once and for all, by all means, they're yours.

Note: I didn't dream up that BMW story. It happened to a friend. Some of you have probably heard that story told by her, and it's just hilarious!


  1. You know what, Marie? My hearing after three kids is definitely NOT what it used to be....I often watch movies with closed captioning and I often find myself saying, "What? What was that again?" I sympathize!!

    Oh--and I loved the way you wrote that. The hypothetical Amazon reviews were hilarious!

  2. so funny, sorry about the eavesdropping thing, that is kind of fun :)

  3. Marie - you truly have a gift for words - LOVED this post (all your posts...) Sooo clever and thanks for the smiles you gave me when I read this!!




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