Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Due Date {Eve} & Maternity Photos

Ahem. You know, it really was a terrible idea to let myself think my due date got bumped up to the 19th because the 19th has very quickly come and gone! I guess I should have listened when my doctor told me that even though my most recent ultrasound measured a bigger than average baby, that it didn't mean much in the way of timing her arrival. Did I just say big baby!!? So scary. Scarier by the growing minute. SCARY!

That said, I've been feeling "overdue" for the last week even though tomorrow is the actual big day. Tomorrow is also Magson's birthday. Maybe baby girl wants to crash his party. Maybe she just wants to be fashionably late. Maybe she wants to be really late. I don't know.

Whatever the case, here are some of the thoughts that have been running through my head today, this the eve of my due date:

This morning after waking up to Magson's wailing:


I am a beached whale. How on earth am I supposed to get out of this bed?

It took three gusto-filled attempts to successfully roll myself off my mattress. I then waddled, waddled, waddled to Magson's crib side where I barely managed to lift him out. He continued to cry because I didn't retrieve his toy cell phone from the corner of his crib. I offered him a lame attempt at getting it.

"See? I can't reach it."

I showed him three times that I really couldn't reach that phone, but each time I managed to get unconvincingly closer to it.

Okay, okay. I guess I can reach it. But should I have to at Week 40?

I reached it. I gave it to him. He still cried.

Three kids? Did I really sign up for three kids? Can we handle THREE KIDS!?

Lunchtime:

I'm sick of these clothes. I need to go shopping for new maternity clothes. If I have to wear this shirt one more time...Ugh! Marie, there is no point in buying new clothes this late in the game. Suck it up. You can go shopping for real clothes soon.

Dinnertime

I'm sleepy. I don't want to have the baby today. Maybe tomorrow. And why is it that I don't want an epidural? Am I really going to do this naturally? Is that smart? --???--

On a cheerier note (and I know most of you saw these on Facebook already), my sweet and talented photography friend took some maternity shots of me a few weeks ago. Check out her blog: Shannon Morgan Photography. You'll have to scroll down a little ways to find me.

She's pretty incredible, don't you think? Thanks a million, Shannon! I love them!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Love Story--Part 3 {Window of Sunshine}


Love Story Part 1 {At First Sight}

Love Story Part 2 {The Bubble Sheet}

Three things were to blame for my anxiety about whether Will liked Claire or me best. I was at fault for letting my love-stricken brain relentlessly analyze their every interaction. (He laughed at her joke--gasp!) Claire was an innocent, though mighty, cause for my distress because she was so sensible and unassuming in her beauty, making her even more attractive and threatening. But I hold Will guiltiest of all for being so slow to just love me already!

With all of us resistant to change, a single news wire began to reel across the undercurrent of my thoughts—-Man of Dreams Chooses Best Friend…Repeat: Man of Dreams Chooses Best Friend. It was my little secret, this big terror. I wouldn’t even admit my concerns to the pathetic pages of my “boy-crazy journal” for fear of publishing my worries into a reality. And yet while I desperately wanted Will to quickly extinguish my nightmares with the likes of hand-holding, sweet kisses and little speeches of love, I truly basked in our simple friendship.

I loved our ritual two-mile runs on the weeknights. Sometimes it was just us, but often we ran in a little pack with friends. On the weekends, Will could most often be found hanging with Claire and me since she and I were inseparable. We had too much in common and understood each other too well to not feel that God had purposely made us roommates. We translated this to mean we should be travel/study/do-everything-together mates, as well. I know Will didn’t mind the two-to-one ratio.

The three of us were easily entertained by the oddest things. I fondly remember a night of snacking on frozen grapes and memorizing songs packed with tongue-tying lyrics. Of course, as mature as we were back then, a food fight ensued, which was topped off with a round of us dancing in a triangle underneath the speckled glow of my prized disco ball.

Eventually, “boys out” curfew would crash our parties and we’d say goodnight to Will. Claire and I would wash our faces, put on our near-sighted glasses and matching pajama bottoms, climb atop our twin beds that sat high on cinder blocks, prop our pillows against the wall, pull our knees in tight and begin scribbling in our journals. We’d regularly disturb each other to discuss inside jokes, giggle and dream up the names of our future children. She knew how much I loved Will and would always say just the right things when I turned analytic.

“Don’t worry about it—he must like you!” she’d assure me. “Look at all the time he spends hanging around this place!”

I'll always consider those early months of friendship with Claire and Will as the brightest of my single life.

And then, one night after finishing up our eighth lap around the track, Will told me there was something he wanted to talk to me about--something he'd procrastinated for a long time.

“I really like you,” he said, sincerely. “But while I’ve dated lots of girls, I’ve never really had a girlfriend before.”

With a smile, I raised my right eyebrow at him.

“Really? You like me?” I quizzed. “I’ve never been able to be sure.”

“I’ve always liked you,” he smiled, “but wanted to make sure it was right before I pursued anything—I feel like as soon as we’re ready, it’s right.”

You’d think I’d be relieved at those words, and I was to some extent. But I also found myself struggling to digest the shocks. Shock number one: he’d never had a girlfriend!? It was obvious to me that this was by personal choice, which I found highly intimidating since I was only 18 years old with a history of many boyfriends. Second, I’d never given much thought to the “rightness” of dating a guy until it was well underway and hard to escape. This all brought me to the crashing conclusion that there was no way I was good enough for him, a guy so wise, thorough and thoughtful about doing the right thing. But I let those thoughts buzz in the background of my mind and focused on the positive.

“You know I like you,” I said lovingly. “You’d have to be dumb not to know that.”

Though I continued to worry that I didn’t measure up to him, from then on, I felt a sweet breeze as we approached college life together. On the outside, I kept my composure, but my insides couldn’t stop dancing, twirling—freaking out—that he liked me. I couldn’t kick the feeling that there was something so completely right about him. It didn’t all add up perfectly in my mind, but my spirit told me this was somehow the real deal. I just knew it was going to last. For three short weeks I bathed in this window of sunshine.

But all that warmth gave way to clouds when (as documented in Volume One of my “Boy-Crazy College Journal”) on December 5th he asked me how I thought things were going between us.

My cheeks went hot and my heart fevered. “Good," I told him, terrified for what might be coming.

“I hate that I’m feeling this way, but lately I just haven’t felt quite right about us dating right now,” he admitted. "I need to think about things a little more."

While he prayed and pondered, we continued on as before, but an awkward poison seeped in, and a week later, what had been blooming so beautifully withered, and we ended.

There were definitely quiet tears on my part, but I'm always fascinated by the calm presence of my journal entry that day:

“Well, Will did it. He broke up with me. It’s kind of funny…I was his first girlfriend and he was the first guy to break up with me. I wish I could remember everything he said because it was so perfect. I almost can’t believe how nice he was, and then I think I’m fooling myself; of course he’s going to be super nice about it. Nobody likes being the bad guy. He seemed sincere, though, and so I’m going to believe him, why not? …He did the run down of why I’m such a nice girl, gorgeous girl, and that it was nothing wrong with me. He hoped it was just a timing thing and that breaking up wouldn’t hurt our friendship… He didn't seem to want it to be over, but felt he had to listen to these promptings.

What kept me oddly content from then on was that I wanted Will to be true to his feelings. He kept his word, and we went on being friends for that last month of the semester, just as before. I wanted to believe it was just a timing thing, like he suggested—that maybe in a few months things could work out. But he soon transferred to a different school in a different state.

Aside from the memory of how sweetly he'd always speak to me--so vivid it was nearly audible, I didn't hear from him much for two and a half years.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Flourishing





Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been flourishing in crazy nesting mode with just a few days before my ultrasound due date--the 19th, and just over a week left until my official due date--the 24th. I don't think my house has ever had such a streak of clean, fresh, organization. Too bad I only get like this when I'm bubbling over with child.

One of the things on my to-do list has been to take Magson out for his two-year-old pictures. He is such a ham in front of the camera, and I love the shots I got of my baby boy. Love him, love him, love him. Maybe if baby #3 arrives late and I can find time, I'll share some more a little later this week. Big maybe.

Maggie didn't escape the photoshoot. I had to take her to a spot I've been eyeing. I feel like this location has her name all over it, she, my fancy little flower of a girly-girl.

For those of you who care, I've been working and working and working on Part 3 of my Love Story. I don't know what it is, but it's been hard for me to get it out like I want to. I'm realizing how personal it is and want it to be perfect before I share it. My strong feelings and priceless memories are seeming trite on paper. Can anyone relate? It's coming, though. I pinky promise.

Well, if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, it's because I'm kissing on a beautiful baby girl. Can't wait to share her with you!

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